Abandoned (almost)

Wow, it's been a while since I last posted. I've really missed it. I've been feeling the itch to write again lately. I have just been so busy with wedding planning. All I can say is I am so glad I am only going to do this once! :-P

Wedding planning

Just over three months until the wedding. Wow. I'm still blow away by the fact that I'm getting married. The wedding planning is going okay. Shawne (Dave's mother) has been wonderful by offering to search around and help find a church. We seriously considered my sister's beautiful church for two reasons: one, they weren't going to charge us anything (maybe request a donation but that was it. How amazing is that?!) and two: it is an absolutely beautiful church. I loved it. However, it is about two hours away. Much too far for planning your own wedding. If I had a wedding planner and vendors and all that jazz, I might, but my budget just does not cover those.

On that note, I have been looking at websites and blogs and books that claim to help brides on budgets plan their dream weddings without going over budget. However, what they consider to be a "shoe string budget" is typically twice my annual salary. Not exactly what I would call a small, shoe string budget. My mom has encouraged me to write my own book chronicling my adventures in serious budget wedding planning. At first I laughed it off. Me? Write a book? Haha! You're funny. However, I am now seriously considering it. There are so many brides out there who are planning weddings on "nothing budgets" like I am. My wedding dress is costing me very little. I was given a dress (Praise God!) that I am going to have slightly altered to fit me better and make it more "me". The only alteration I am actually paying for will be the addition of a zipper by a friend of the family who is a very good seamstress, the rest, we are doing ourselves. I am probably going to end up making my own veil and I'm making the guy's boutonnieres and probably doing all of the flowers and decorations as well. Lots of work? Yes, it is, but so is marriage. And like marriage, totally worth it.

I keep seeing all these wedding blogs and things of girls so happy that they were able to find their favorite designer dress for only $2,000 on sale!!! Oh. Em. Gee. That's like, so totally over my total wedding budget. Like, totally. (I think I threw up a little in my mouth, I apologize, both for the valley-girl display and of my own reaction) Seriously, though, that's not budget. If you think that is budget, you have another thing coming. That is extravagant. And when you're a bride on a nothing budget, reading things like that is really discouraging. You start thinking, oh no, I can't get a nice wedding dress for under $2000? What about flowers? And decorations? Food? Wedding party gifts? Photographer? Location fees? Officiant fees?

Next thing you know, you've spiraled into a pit of despair and discouragement because you just watched your entire budget go to someone's designer wedding dress or caviar hor d'oeuvres and cocktails (not to mention their caterer's bill, YIKES.)

I've been there, and since I am still not done with my wedding, I'm sure I will be there again. However, I think that will some help (oooh, I get by with a little help from my friends), I could maybe write a nothing budget wedding book.

Thoughts?

Cooking

I am one of those people who tends to get noticeably down and depressed in the winter. And oddly enough, I LOVE winter. I just love to curl up by the fire with a good book and a big mug of hot cocoa, tea, soup, etc. Or sit by the window wrapped in a blanket during a snow storm. I just love getting snowed in. One thing I have found helps me a lot with my depression is cooking and baking. When I'm in the kitchen, I feel so much better. There are very few things that can get me down in the kitchen. Invading my kitchen while I'm cooking, however, is usually one of them. :-P I love cooking and trying new recipes but when recipes don't have pictures, I'm usually not very inclined to try them. Just reading a recipe will make it sound good, but I would much rather have a picture to look at. That is why two of my favorite cooking sites are The Pioneer Woman and FoodGawker, Tastespotting is another good one, too. While browsing on Pioneer Woman today, I came across her recipe for Pico de Gallo. You must try this now. When I make PW's Pico de Gallo I used gloves when handling the jalapenos and chop them into really tiny pieces. I remove most of the membrane and seeds because as much as I like the heat, it gives me cartoon-like hiccups that can be quite embarrassing, and slice it into very thin slices, rotate and slice again to make very small pieces. I usually use whatever tomatoes look the best at the supermarket and I never seed them. I think seeding tomatoes, unless absolutely necessary, is a waste. I also use the juice of a whole lime instead of half, it brings out a better flavor in my opinion.
Today, my dad came home with a big tub of fruit cake fruits. I just about gagged and demanded an explanation. He and my oldest brother both admitted that they like a nice, well done fruit cake. I personally have never eaten fruit cake. All I know about it is what I have heard from your typical fruit cake haters claiming fruit cake is nasty crap(watch to the end and enjoy :]) and that all they are good for are doorstops. So willing to try something that I have actually made and have gotten the recipe from somewhere I trust, I promptly hopped on FG and TS and hopped around. The best looking recipe I found that actually called for the stuff in the fruitcake tub was a link from TS to this blog. The recipe didn't look to bad so I have decided to give it a whirl. I will go out later today to pick up the brandy before work then set the fruit to soakin'! In the meantime, I will continue to browse foodgawker and other good blogs. :-)

In The Light

Just about anytime I feel distant from God or anything, somehow, I end up hearing In The Light by DC Talk. That song is one that just speaks to me. I feel like I am the one singing it. The two different "voices" singing, the part singing about about how he's the king of excuses and then the other singing wondering what's going inside of him, I can relate to that. I feel like I start to do something, maybe get into the habit and then suddenly something inside me wakes up and then there's the other voice wondering what I'm doing and how I got to be like this, so far away from Him. I always found this song rather creepy and convicting when I was younger. I enjoyed the feel of the music but the line: "it's a cancer fatal to my soul." Scared the living daylights out of me. One of my biggest fears is getting cancer and the thought of a cancer that I already have, that everyone has that I cannot get rid of, understandably, freaked me out.

I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from You
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

(chorus)
I wanna be in the Light
As You are in the Light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the Light
All I want is to be in the Light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

(repeat chorus)

Honesty becomes me
[There's nothing left to lose]
The secrets that did run me
[In Your presence are defused]
Pride has no position
[And riches have no worth]
The fame that once did cover me
[Has been sentenced to this Earth]
Has been sentenced to this Earth

2010 New Year Resolution

I don't often make New Year resolutions as I have seen too many people make resolutions such as: I am going to go to the gym 4-5 times a week. When they haven't been to the gym in 4 years. I'm sorry, but a little unrealistic there.

My one (or one publicly stated) resolution for 2010 is to eat healthier. I eat really unhealthy (unhealthily?). Seriously. I have a major sweet tooth, love butter, and I am a carnivore. (I almost typed carnival) Not that meat is unhealthy, but when you eat sweets or just general "unhealthies" and then eat meat to eat something healthy, there is no real balance and it isn't that healthy. I am not giving up sweets or butter or meat. I am simply going to try to eat healthy. And, that can, I believe, be accomplished without giving up sweets, butter and/or meat.

I was on my favorite site, foodgawker.com, when I came across a blogger who ate raw. This blogger claimed that she has felt healthier and just generally better since switching to raw foods. Reading that and her breakdown of how raw foods are better for you, got me thinking about how unhealthy my food habits are and how I often cook my food to mush (not literally - you know what I mean) and that maybe I should be eating more raw foods. And so, starting now (I'm not going to wait for the new year and try to get as much unhealthy food in as I can), I am going to try to eat healthier and raw-er. And by raw-er, I just mean eating more fresh vegetables instead of eating maybe, heated, canned corn or heated frozen green beans.

Christmas Season and an Update

Four weeks (and two posts) ago, I was feeling quite depressed and wrote a post listing several things I wanted in life. Praise God, I have achieved or acquired some of those things.

I have a laptop thanks to a wonderful pre-Black Friday Sale at Walmart.

I have a horizontal license (apparently, in NH when you renew your license two days before your 21st birthday, they will give you a vertical [under 21] temp license but when they send you the real thing, it is horizontal [over 21])*

I now have the new Star Trek movie on DVD (such a great movie!)

While I am not exactly healthy, I am getting help and am doing better. And contentment, working on that too.

Oh, and the depression, doing better with that too.

The holidays help a lot. Lately I have been hearing a lot of negative stuff about Christmas and the Christmas season. People complain how commercialized Christmas has gotten and how they now hate Christmas. I don't repute that Christmas is crazy commercialized, it very much is. However, I absolutely LOVE Christmas. If it was up to me, I would probably move Thanksgiving to September, and OFFICIALLY extend the Christmas season all through November and actually have the 12 days of Christmas. The Christmas season for me means family and friends. I love having everyone together just hanging out and enjoying each other's company and the great food. The whole family together with nothing to do except enjoy the fellowship. No one has to rush off to work or an appointment. Everyone is together and having fun. Random board or card games will break out at random times. People aren't all off in their own corners on the internet or playing single-player video games. In fact, I believe all the wonderful things about Christmas and the Christmas season, the atmosphere, the family, friends, the simple wonderfulness of it all, are all going to be part of Heaven.

*this one has actually made me ashamed of my pathetic, shallow wishes.

My Last Amen by Downhere

From the corner of my eye
There's a tear I'm trying to cry
But the feeling can't be found
Like a note thrills in a song
When I play it again, it's gone
Cuz it was never in the sound

And it keeps me wanting
That mysterious thing
Like a night is waiting for a dawn

Every prayer I say (a little closer)
To my resting place (a little closer)
Where my final breath is the beginning
To never needing
And I will find my last Amen

I could swear I have two hearts
One to stay, one to depart
This sad, tragic kingdom
And it burns me down to the core
Because I know there's so much more
It's just a pale reflection
And it keeps me wanting
That mysterious thing
Like an outcast waiting to belong

And while the thrills are fading
The joy is in the waiting
Somewhere in the grand design
It's good be unsatisfied
It keeps the faith and hope a little more alive